I had no plans to share this post today but sometimes things happen and I wish there was someone who fully understood to talk to and there isn’t. But I’m going to vent here, and maybe some day someone will be feeling what I’m feeling and it will help them.

Julia’s birth left me with PTSD. I went to a therapist for a short time who was able to confirm this, but even if she hadn’t, you know when you have PTSD. And it sucks. It really sucks. Sometimes you’re able to live life for a few days without thinking about the trauma you went through and then something will happen. It can be such a small thing.. the mention of a name, a certain sound, a smell – that takes you back. Or in today’s case it was a post that popped up on Facebook by the person who recommended my provider in Julia’s birth to me.

I recently joined a local mom group on Facebook, and this woman who we will call Anne (obviously not her real name) made a post about her services that she offers. I had met with her when I was pregnant and looking for a doula. It ended up that her rate was way too expensive for what I could afford but we did have one in person meeting and various emails and she was a very kind woman. I have no actual ill feelings towards her. But the thing is, she is the person who recommended I go with the provider who ended up delivering Julia after I had mentioned not being so sure of the OBGYN office I was at at the time.

“Anne” meant me no harm. She nor I could predict what would happen. But it still happened. And seeing her name pop up on Facebook and seeing her face made me feel instantly sick because what if.. what if I had never met her. I may have never been lead to my provider who was negligent in Julia’s birth. Julia may have had a very different birth. Probably a c section when she initially went into stress. And she might not have suffered her injury.

“What if’s” are so hard to let go of because this particular “what if” deals with life changing things. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when I walked into that hospital to give birth, a part of me died there and never came back. It has been a battle to get to a place where I feel content with life again and not like an idiot who made a naive mistake in who I chose to deliver my child. People often remark about Julia that “at least she’s ok” and she IS healthy and it IS a miracle and I AM thankful and so grateful for it. But the point is, firstly that she is not 100% in the clear yet for things like behavioral issues, but also that this h a p p e n e d ! And it shouldnt have. Her injury was avoidable. Regardless, the trauma she, my husband and I went through is not something that just goes away because things look good on the outside.

That is the one thing I wish more people understood. But for now, I left the mom group. It’s not helpful. Every time a post comes up I get this little bit of nervousness that someone is going to say they went with my former provider and how amazing she was.. etc. I know that sounds stupid, maybe it is. But it’s a kind of self-preservation that I find necessary right now. Healing looks different for everyone.

If you are suffering with PTSD and ever need someone to talk to please know, I am here and I will always be. Don’t be afraid to reach out. My information is on my contact page.